Seeing Red
by ContinuousSpec
Summary: After a near-fatal exposure to Minagen X3, Shepard struggles with it's lasting effects and memories of past addiction to Red Sand. She finds herself recovering in the med-bay under Dr. Chakwas watch and dealing with her new developing relationship with Garrus. Entry for Mass Effect Big Bang 2015
1. Relapse

**Author's Note:** This is my entry for Mass Effect Big Bang 2015! Make sure to visit their livejournal to check out all the great stories being posted! I'd like to thank Bioticbooty for creating the banner for my story, it came out beautifully. I love it! I would also like to thank my beta writer Johnny_Suede for dealing me and being such a patient editor. I would not have been about to post this story without you.

 **Warnings:** There are references to past child abuse and drug addiction. There is a bit more excessive language then in the game, but about the same amount of excessive violence.

 **Story Notes:** Set during Mass Effect 2, I changed a bit of the timeline of when the Garrus romance was initiated. There are references to family/parents for a Earthborn Shepard, so a bit of a bend on canon.

* * *

Shepard was exactly where she wanted to be. Hidden beneath her cloak and high up in the rafters overlooking the Eclipse base. Garrus and Jack were below her. Her sights focused on the asari commando, the leader Wasea as Niftu Cal called her. Niftu Cal.

Anger pulled at Shepard's chest as she thought of him. The poor pathetic volus had been forcefully drugged out of his mind on Red Sand, Minagen X3, or both. Hopefully, he'd sleep it off.

Shepard shook the anger from her mind and focused back on Wasea. The asari must have known by now that they were in the base. The gunship was down, and the news would most likely be relayed to her soon.

She scanned the room through her scope; large crates blocked her view of the entire layout. There could be more doors connecting further into the base, which meant more ways for mercs to enter from and more problems.

Shepard began biting the insides of her cheek, a nervous tick from her childhood. This could be problematic.

She needed this to be quick and clean. She needed to get the data, get Samara, and get the fuck off Illium.

The greed and sense of superiority of the planet's inhabitants sickened her. The screwing anyone over just for a turn of profit reminded her too much of her life with the 10th Street Reds. It was even more of a motivation to take Wasea out quickly.

Containers of Minagen lined the room; Shepard and Garrus had been fortunate to avoid the toxic drug. Jack, however, had not. A container had exploded near her during their initial surge on the base. Jack's biotics blazed brighter than Shepard had ever seen before. Jack had nearly torn and ripped apart every mercenary that they had come across since, barely giving the two snipers much to work with. Shepard could see Jack sneering from her vantage point, itching to continue the fight.

Even alone at her desk, Wasea's barriers were up and clung strongly to her. She must have been waiting for them. Shepard was going to need Garrus and Jack to take down her barriers if she wanted to do this easily.

Shepard's biotic barriers were meek in comparison to what she had normally seen of other biotics. What was the point of being labeled a freak if the power could barely be harnessed?

Those kinds of thoughts had always bothered her as a teenager, leading to the constant excuses she'd told herself to abuse Red Sand to control her abilities. Although it barely helped; the drug had more of an effect on her mental state than her powers.

After joining the Alliance, she found that there were many like her, working towards getting over past addiction and help her through the process of becoming sober.

But even weak powers had their perks; her barriers had saved her ass countless times in the field. It had taken years of training under the Alliance just to get them at their current level, though.

A deep sigh came from Shepard as she began to whisper into her comm. "Garrus, Jack. Get into position to take down her barriers. I'll have her in my sights to take her out." They quickly followed the order and scuttled into cover, unseen by the mercenary leader.

"No fair," Garrus jokingly protested at Shepard getting the kill shot.

"Quit your bellyaching," she said as she began the switch to her cryo ammo, just in case.

"Sorry, not sure what that means." His flanged voice echoed in her ears over the comms.

"It means stop being such whiny baby. How does that translate?" Shepard said as she rested her Mantis on the crate in front of her.

"Much better. That's still not addressing my point though."

"Which is?" Her finger instinctively switched off the safety and rested above the trigger.

"That the one with the better shot should be taking it."

"Better shot huh?" Shepard paused and began to adjust her sights. "You've been holding out on me Vakarian? Because I have yet to witness that." She began to line up her shot between Wasea's eyes.

"Well, we'll just have to a have a competition one of these days to prove it," he said with a drawl that made her heart flutter. The cocky bastard.

"With that attitude don't be expecting any tiebreakers," Shepard said with a smirk as she focused on Wasea and dug her rifle into her shoulder.

A stifled laugh from Garrus came over the comms; a growl from Jack followed.

"Will you both shut the fuck up already with your flirting and get on with this already?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm still setting up." Shepard waved off Jack's complaining even though she knew Jack couldn't see the gesture.

"Well hurry the fuck up then."

Shepard continued to grin as she peered back into her scope ready to give the order to take out Wasea's barriers.

Wasea's eyes snapped up at Shepard. Her hot pink markings around her cheeks turned up as she smirked. Shit.

The asari began to speak. "You know, when trying to get the drop on someone, you should consider the possibility of cameras." Shepard cursed herself as her eyes skimmed throughout the base. She should have sabotaged the security system before entering. Wasea straightened up from her seat, still smirking while she slowly finished her drink, and then continued. "Not that you'll need to consider anything very soon." Her barriers began to glow brighter and more intense as she spoke. "As I'm going to take pleasure turning your head into a pulpy mass!" Wasea shouted as she biotically threw several canisters of Minagen towards the rafters. Eclipse mercenaries began to storm the base.

So much for quick and clean.

Her cloak fell as she fired; it barely left a dent into Wasea's barriers.

The canisters soared so quickly at her that she couldn't dive out of the way. They exploded above her, allowing the drug's dust to envelop her. The red dust crowded her sight, smell, and taste. A surge of biotic power and strength flowed throughout her body.

She should have moved and hoped the effects wouldn't last long, but she didn't. She let it take her over. She wanted it to take over. No amount of Red Sand as a kid or training as a soldier had ever gotten her to this amount of understanding or strength in her biotics.

There wasn't much of the battle that she felt like she had a conscious choice in; she saw red and felt the power surge through her. She got down from the rafters, out of cover, and lifted mercenaries that got in the way to Wasea. She was able to lift! They hung in the air, much to her amusement. She lined up her shots and took them out easily.

Now she was on her way to Wasea. The commando's barriers were down, and she was weak. Shepard tried to lift her, but she felt her own power draining from her; her barriers began to weaken themselves. The red vision was subsiding and leaving her. She was coming down, and it was far too quick. Her whole body felt numb all over.

In defense, Wasea threw a metal crate at Shepard; the edge of the crate caught her in the stomach, sending her flying back into the wall. Her head was the first to make contact. As she fell to the ground, her barriers moved spastically around her body until the biotic field around her detonated. For a moment, she could only see darkness. She tried to get up but was only able to make it to hands and knees. Her breath was shallow; she couldn't tell what was going on around her. Only ringing that felt like read heat bleeding from her ears could be heard.

Soon, she was able to distinguish a single shot that rang out above her. Garrus was covering her as Wasea sunk to the ground. The battle was over, leaving the base littered with bullet holes and the bodies of the Eclipse. Shepard's sight and breath returned to normal as she glanced at the base from the ground.

"You alright?" Garrus said as he made his way over to her.

"Yeah, just banged my head. I'm fine." She rubbed at the sore spot of her head and checked. No, blood. Good.

But still her head began to feel lighter; it became hard to see in her peripherals.

He offered his hand to help as she got up off the ground. His three long fingers encompassed her wrist and pulled her up with ease.

"What the hell was that? Why did you get out of cover?" he asked.

Of course he was going to call her out the dumb, risky behavior that she didn't even remotely know how to back up. That stuff really messed with her head.

Shepard shrugged as she got her footing. "I don't know, maybe I was just trying to get out the way of the toxic drug that she hurdled at me," she lied as she motioned her hand up at the rafters.

"Well, still, I told you I should have been the one to take the shot," he said triumphantly.

Shepard rolled her eyes, weakly punching him on the shoulder. Of course he was going to work that in too. "Shut up," she said and began strolling towards Wasea's desk. She looked around hoping to find some information for Samara, so this whole day wasn't a complete waste.

"You're only saying that because I'm right," Garrus called back.

"Fine, you're right, you're right." Shepard held her arms up in mock defense. "You got what you wanted?"

"I always do," he said in that low tone that she loved.

"Really now?" Shepard said as she in turned lowered her voice and turned to face him. "How so?" She said as she smirked and raised her eyebrows. She was pretty sure she heard Jack scoff in the distance.

"Uhh…that-" he stammered.

"Came out wrong?" Shepard laughed and turned back to the desk. She spotted a shipping information datapad and lunged for it. Finally, they could get out of here.

"Yeah," Garrus coughed, trying to recompose himself. "Did you find it?"

Shepard was slower to respond than normal. Small black spots whizzed past her in her peripheral vision. All her muscles and joints seemed to ache and did not work together as she tried to move. Heaviness in her grew with every breath; she just wanted to lie down.

"Yeah," Shepard finally quipped back, but she began to stumble as she moved away from the desk.

His hand caught her shoulder to help steady her. "Are you sure you're okay? You took a pretty big hit back there. You should see Chakwas once we get back," he said with a look of concern. Or well, what she thought turians looked like when they were concerned. Outside of boastfulness, most turian facial expressions eluded her.

Shepard shook off the momentary pain and dizziness as she spoke, "Yeah, yeah. I'm fine." She then waved off his concern with the datapad in hand. "We've got what we need; let's just get back to Samara. I've had enough of this planet."


	2. Remembrance

The light shown over Shepard, passing through her eyelids and woke her from the still darkness. She tried to move her hands over her eyes to block it. They were too heavy to move into place. She groaned and gave into the light as she opened her eyes. The familiar metal ceiling of the _Normandy's_ med-bay loomed over her.

God, how many times has she woken up on a metal slab like this in her life? There were too many times to count. She thought she should be used to it, waking up like this.

After Elysium, Eden Prime, The Lazarus Station, and so long ago at home. She winced and finally lifted her hand and placed it on her left eyebrow. She thought back to the first time she woken up after blacking out.

She was in her cramped room with her baby half-sister Charlotte. It was less cramped now that she got her own bed with her older half-brother Alex gone. He'd been accepted to Citadel University on a full scholarship, out of their shithole apartment and family.

She just wanted to talk to her brother, to be closer to him; their age gap and different fathers didn't help that though. At the time, she was still hopeful about her relationship with him, but she would always have to be the one to initiate contact.

Shepard slipped out of her bed and tiptoed past Charlotte. It was late on Earth but on the Citadel her brother should have just been going to lunch. He was always rather busy with school, but she kept track of his schedule to know the best time to get to him. She was giddy to read about all the new things he was learning and to share what she had done. She wanted to tell him all about the things she got to learn too, how she had found a new trail to explore near the pier, or how Charlotte was finding new ways to annoy her. But she never got that far.

Quietly, Shepard opened the door to the master bedroom and was careful not to let much light in from the hall. Her mother and stepfather both looked asleep in bed, they almost looked peaceful.

All she needed to do was get in and get out with the omni-tool, she had done it a couple times before and she was getting good at being sneaky. Well about as sneaky as a seven-year-old could be. She dug through her mother's dresser and got the omni-tool. She was halfway out of the room before she saw him. Her stepfather, his angered red-faced looming over her.

"What the hell do you think you are doing you brat?" He spat as he ripped the omni-tool from her small hands.

Shepard stumbled, her voice felt too weak to talk. The angered red of his face was the only thing she could concentrate on. She had never seen an adult so angry before in her life and never at her. His voice was so loud and booming; her mother must have been up by then. But she was probably high and didn't care, as her husband grew angrier and more violent towards her child.

"Are you just a little fucking thief is that it?" He yelled as he shook the old omni-tool, almost throwing it to the ground.

He must have had some nerve then, the hypocrite had stolen everything he could that wasn't nailed down at the naval clinic. Usually, it was small things like old data-pads and first aid supplies. He messed up when tried to get to the heavy drugs without proper clearance. They had a lot of medical supplies and drugs stolen from the base; it was a surprise he hadn't gotten dishonorably discharged sooner.

What was his motivation for his anger at her? Shepard tried not to dwell on those thoughts, but they bugged her. He probably wanted her out the way to have his new family. Alex had just moved out; he just needed her out of the way. Then it would just be her mother and Charlotte, his actual daughter; he always likes to remind Shepard of that through his violent and mostly drunk words and actions.

She remembered feeling so helpless and small then as he went on and on with yelling and shaking the omni-tool at her face as she began to cry. She had decided to run away, to get away from noise, the shaking, and the red.

She didn't make it any further than the door. His large hand yanked her by the back of her hair. To stop her, he forcefully smashed her face against the sharp metal corner of the entrance. The pain came throbbing from her forehead; blood poured into her left eye. She remembered crying and screaming and thinking things were getting too light and harder to concentrate on. The red enveloped her sight until the darkness took over.

Of the first of many times, she woke up strapped to a little medical slab. Only her right eye could see, her left was professionally bandaged with disinfectant, medi-gel, and all.

With morbid curiosity she peeled back the bandages to look at the damage once free from restraints; the medi-gel was still setting in. A large deep gash ran through her eyebrow; she guessed she was lucky it wasn't her eye. The whole left side was swollen, and her iris was a bright mint green amongst the red blood of the burst vessel. She bit into the left side of her cheek; it was too numb to feel anything. She lowered and adjusted the bandages, angry with her mother, at her stepfather, but mostly herself for getting caught and hurt.

Her mother blamed her for it; she shouldn't have tried to take the omni-tool and she shouldn't have tried to run away. With fury, she yanked the scissors out of the medicine cabinet and began to work on the long waves of her brown hair until she couldn't cut anymore. Her mother was so angry for ruining her "pretty" hair. She got the shit beat out of her for that too. But she didn't care; she had finally felt like she was in control.

Shepard began to rub at the now absent scar, almost glad for that Cerberus rebuild if it meant getting rid of all the old scars of beatings and shitty gang tattoos. Or were those things ever there in the first place? Were those memories of childhood fake or a constructed from another, real Shepard? Did it matter? She had a mission to accomplish. Those kinds of thoughts could wait.

She brought herself up against the bright lights and heavy feelings of her muscles while groaning in the process. The tubing and compression cuffs around her arms and legs resisted her movement. Tireless little machines began to beep causing Dr. Chakwas to turn in her chair to the noise.

"Ah, good Commander you're up, how are you feeling?" Chakwas said as she got up to look Shepard over.

"Like shit." She grumbled while pulling her sweaty hair that clung to her shoulders and neck. She cringed, she wasn't use to any hair past her ears yet, but the length and style had grown on her. She smiled at her stupid joke.

"That's the muscle damage, try not to move to much. You took in a large exposure to the drug on Illium."

Shepard averted her eyes at the statement, looking down at the medical gown she wore. She cursed under her breath; medical gowns were never a good sign.

"How long have I been out?"

"About 20 hours," Chakwas said.

Shepard sucked in a breath and grimaced "Well that's better than two years." She smirked up at Chakwas and continued with her questions trying to assess the situation.

"How is Lawson covering as my XO? Seeing how last time I woke up on a slab with her in charge her station was on fire and under attack."

Chakwas playfully rolled her eyes as she fiddled with Shepard's IV. "She is doing perfectly as always Commander. Jacob and her debriefed Samara earlier." Chakwas paused then continued with her thoughts. "It will be interesting having another asari back on the _Normandy_."

Shepard frowned at the reminder that she hadn't debriefed Samara herself. She didn't even remember getting back to the station to free her from custody. Embarrassment began to seep in at the thought of blacking out.

 _Way to make a great first impression as Commander to the thousand-year-old super warrior Shepard._

The red lock of the A.I core caught Shepard's gaze as she began to zone out from Chakwas musings. She missed the little talks on archeology with Liara back on the SR-1. Of course, she was hurt when Liara didn't join her, but she understood. The constant rejection had to be understood; she had been gone for two years. She couldn't just expect them to all drop what they were doing and join her.

First it was Tali on Freedom's Progress, then Kaidan on Horizon, and now Liara on Illium. They were scheduled to head to Haestrom so hopefully Tali would be ready to join. Then Tuchanka, she could only guess what Wrex would say. Probably no, like they all did.

Except for Garrus. He had with her basically since she woken up or come back to life or whatever Cerberus did to her. She was worried in the beginning that he'd leave, seeing her with Cerberus. She knew she could not have made it this far without him.

Chakwas continued to look over Shepard by scanning her implants and checking her over for any missed broken bones or bruises. It had become a common and well-practiced routine every time she had gotten injured in the field. But it had never gotten so bad where she was passed out for a day. Well other then Eden Prime, but back then that was the first time she has been under Chakwas care.

"So what is our current status?" Shepard asked as she picked at a loose thread of her medical gown. Cursing herself, she didn't even remember getting out of her armor.

"Miranda has given the crew an extended shore leave on Ilium until your recovery."

Shepard winced again, biting on the sides of her cheeks.

"I'm going to guess the crew has taken notice then?"

"Well you did pass out in the elevator up from the cargo bay, so yes I'd say they've taken notice," Chakwas said with a smile, almost like she was mocking Shepard.

Shepard groaned, her teeth clenched together almost gnawing a hole into her cheek.

 _Goddamnit._

Chakwas continued as Shepard tried to bait more information out of her.

"Garrus and Jack were quite subtle about getting you in here to not alarm the crew though." Shepard's eyebrows shot up; she didn't remember much after the fight. How were they? Why was that not the first thing she asked about?

"How are they? Jack was hit too, why isn't she here? Is she okay?" Shepard's concern grew as questions poured out of her. Her eyes searched around the room even though she knew Jack wasn't there.

"While Jack was hit with the Minagen as well, she didn't take in as much of an exposure to it as you. Although Jack had a theory that you were just being a 'lightweight' as she phrased it." Shepard breathed a sigh of relief and continued with her questions.

"Of course she did, and Garrus?" The last thing she remembered of him was his hand catching her shoulder as she almost fell over at Wasea's desk.

"He avoided it, although he has been here to check on you quite often."

Shepard tried to contain her smile to herself; Chakwas probably picked up on it. She felt like a dumb teenager getting giggly that he'd be concerned. Of course he would, they were still friends even with the arrangement that they had made.

 _Arrangement._

Arrangement sounded wrong, it wasn't that, but it didn't sound a whole lot better then blowing off steam either. She felt like a dumb teenager for allowing them to call it that.

They agreed on trying to not to disrupt the crew, although Jack had quickly taken notice. They were that obvious weren't they? Shepard huffed a laugh at the thought.

"I'll go let them know I'm up." Shepard threw her legs over the bed and stopped. The cuffs restrained her from moving much further. The dizziness, the aching, and whirling black dots were coming back. She gripped her thighs to keep herself up.

"Oh no you don't Commander, I need you here getting your rest, something that has finally caught up to you I might add." Chakwas paused adjusting a few things on the machines next to Shepard's bed and continued with her lecture. "Your scars still have not healed and I see you enough times stalking the _Normandy's_ halls to know you're not getting regular sleep."

"I don't think my problem is a lack of rest, doctor. It might be, you know, a crazed asari chucking toxic drugs at me." Shepard said, avoiding her concern.

"You are suffering from severe tissue and muscle damage, and you shouldn't have been in the toxic clouds as long as you had as Jack had described." Chakwas rested her hands on Shepard's shoulder to keep her from falling over and continued.

"Commander, you are very lucky you just passed out. You would be dead if it weren't for the upgrades from Cerberus. I need you to take this seriously." The playful batter from her voice was gone. Shepard may have been the commander of the ship, but in the med-bay, Doctor Karin Chakwas ruled.

Chakwas towered over her; it felt like she could see through Shepard and any excuses or pleading to get back to the normal command of her ship again. Shepard knew her problem with Red Sand was not in her medical file; she kicked it before joining the Alliance and the support groups offered were supposedly anonymous. But still the way Chakwas looked at her, it seemed like she knew exactly why she stayed in those clouds of Minagen far much longer than she needed to.

Shepard ducked her face away from the doctor's glare. "Fine, but I am not using a bedpan," she said sarcastically.

Chakwas narrowed her eyes at Shepard. "You're lucky I haven't put a catheter in you yet." At least she was back to the joking, Shepard hoped.

"Speaking of which…" Shepard paused and looked around the med-bay.

"Bathroom? Please, no bedpan or catheter. I can only handle so much humiliation in one day."

"The med-bay has blinders; you'll be away from the crews view Commander."

"Yeah, but still no bathroom, whoever designed this wasn't thinking straight."

"How do you think I feel? Anyway, I don't want you being completely mobile so you'll just have to make due."

"Oh come on, it's not like I broke anything. I'll 'make due' as you put and push work through the pain." Shepard continued to grimace and protest. With some time, she showed Chakwas that she could safely walk herself to the crew restroom.

While still on the bed, Shepard slowly changed into a pair of sweatpants and a loose shirt so her ass wouldn't be hanging out for all the crew to see during her march to the restroom. Her body still ached and protested on its own for the movement, but she just had to get away from Chakwas.

As she walked, Shepard rolled with her IV stand that helped her stay upright. It felt like needles stabbing her feet with each step.

Even with reassurance that she could walk, Chakwas hovered near her until she made it towards the door. "15 minutes Commander or I'll send someone after you," Chakwas said while wagging her index finger at her.

"Yeah, yeah," she waved the doctor off with her free hand as she headed to the crew's restroom. Every room on the crew deck was now filled. Hopefully, she could use it as a place to get privacy and think this whole disaster through.


	3. Debilitated

**Author's Note** : This is a very thought driven chapter, so it's a bit shorter then the rest. Thank you for reading!

* * *

Shepard considered cloaking and going back to her cabin in case Chakwas was watching. A shower and the space to be alone sounded much better then locking herself in the crew's restroom. But the thought of herself passing out again in the elevator or even the shower made her reconsider. She wanted to keep her dignity and at least her clothes on.

Shepard crossed the threshold of the women's restroom; it was almost as small as her own bathroom, which didn't seem right or fair. Fortunately, none of the crew was occupying the cramped space. Shepard rolled over to the mirror and pressed her hands on the sink with her IV stand behind her.

"EDI?" Shepard grunted out as she leaned over the sink.

"Yes, Shepard?" The disembodied voice echoed in the empty restroom.

"Lock the women's restroom." Shepard barked at the voice.

"With you inside? What will the female crew do if they need the restroom?"

"Yes, they can wait or use the men's." Shepard threw her arm up, gesturing at the voice. She almost lost her balance for that useless gesture. "Just do it okay EDI?" She was annoyed with questioning and just needed to be alone.

"Very well Shepard, logging you out."

Shepard heard the locks engage and sighed.

When she was still with the Reds as long as she was high she was exactly where she wanted to be. Being locked up in the _Normandy's_ crew restroom was not that. She wanted to be back on the field, tearing apart every mercenary that came her way.

She fought every urge or thought of getting back on Ilium and finding some Minagen X3 or Red Sand or whatever. She probably wouldn't make it past the CIC. She liked to believe it was her willpower keeping her on the crew deck and not the fatigue.

She tightly gripped the restroom's sink as her arms began to shake almost uncontrollably. The feeling of withdrawal was not something she missed when she was still on Red Sand. Hopefully, if Minagen was anything like Red Sand the withdrawals would be gone soon.

She thought back to one of her first shore leaves when she was still just a private and had no clue what she was doing with her life. One of her idiot squad mates had gotten their hands on some Red Sand. She left the bar in a hurry without saying a word to the others. She became a lot more acquainted with her new rifle through cleaning, assembling and reassembling as a distraction for herself that night. She stayed away from most shore leaves after that.

Except on Elysium. The battle that had made Shepard a household name amongst the Alliance and had gotten her the offer with the Interplanetary Combative Training program.

Shepard sighed and loosened her grip on the sink as the shaking subsided. She didn't need the Red Sand then when she was a dumbass twenty-two-year-old and she didn't need it now.

But the Minagen X3 was different. It gave her strength and euphoria that she never felt before on the field. She did not just want to be there, she needed it. She needed to feel like she was in control again and not some Cerberus puppet.

The IV began to itch in her arm; it felt like it was leaving a festering hole, like when she used to shoot Red Sand. What she really wanted to do was to rip the damn IV out, but that would probably only bring more attention to her. She really did have strings on her.

She rarely dusted; it was better to get a more powerful high through being a shooter. She wondered if that was the same for Minagen, maybe she could get the high to last longer or maybe she could get back on to Illium, Red sand was legal there after all, or maybe…

Her hands clamped back onto the sink, almost like there were trying to restrain the thoughts. She didn't consider herself an addict. Since getting clean, she worked her ass off against that damn phrase _. Once an addict, always an addict_. For so long she didn't want to give it any merit, but now she didn't really know anymore. Maybe she should talk to Chakwas, to have a professional to talk to like before.

No, Shepard shook her head at the thought. She didn't need to know. Shepard could get through this by herself. But there were doubts. There were always doubts.

"Fuck," Shepard sighed as she loosened her grip again and gently lowered herself from the sink to the restroom's ground. She tucked herself into the crouched little ball that she formed as a child. After her stepfather was kicked out of the Alliance, he became more and more angry and took it out on her.

She had to get good at hiding. She used to be able to keep herself up in the crouched position for hours and even comfortably fall asleep in the apartment's vast vent systems. That was until she got too big and didn't have anywhere else to hide from the anger and abuse.

Even with the family and the cramped apartment that was supposed to be home, Shepard considered herself an orphan. She never truly ran away like she had planned, she just stop going back. Which meant living on the beach near their apartment and getting hideous sunburns and scrounging for food. It meant meeting the Reds there and finding a new home with them.

With the Reds, she really honed her talents of sneaking, sabotaging, and smuggling shipments of Red Sand. She was barely a teenager when she had taken her first hit. Shepard had seen her mother do it before, but she had no interest in it until she was told it could help her with her biotics. But it never did, she was able to lift small things. The power was just an excuse to keep using. It let her feel like she was in control and escape from her home life.

Soon there was no family or home to return to, Charlotte was taken away and Alex was far too busy with medical school and his own new family. Her mother, well she was never really there, she was too high to notice anything past her own self-indulgences.

She continued to search for that idea of a family or home with the Reds, found that with the Alliance, and lost it when the _Normandy_ when down over Alchera.

She couldn't keep hiding or trying to escape. Chakwas wanted her back soon, but she needed this time to decompress. To be away from the crew and away from the doctor.

A groan escaped her lips as her legs protested from the constant strain. Her whole body ached more than after her first week in basics. The crouched position was becoming a bit much for her to handle, she could hardly keep her legs bent.

Maybe she was just getting old, she wasn't as flexible as she was as a teenager. Shepard smirked at the thought, she may be getting older, but she still acted like her idiotic self from childhood. She was craving another hit, saying stupid things like reach and flexibility and getting fluttery at the thought of a relationship with Garrus. Or was it just a one-time thing? Well, they both could be dead after they hit the collector base, so maybe it didn't really matter to try to define it. They hadn't really talked about the specifics of it either. Goddamn, she was a teenager. She felt like a fucking mess.

Shepard sighed, her time was up, and Chakwas would soon be barreling down the bathroom doors even with the locks if she didn't get back to the med-bay. She just wanted to be left alone, to sort out and process everything about how she was going to move forward from this. She couldn't hold command of the ship if she were going to have trouble with this. She knew she needed to listen to Chakwas and get her rest. She couldn't be compromised and be the weakest link for her mission. She needed to go forward and forget about the Minagen, the battle, and that familiar and distant feeling of control from the drug.

There were a lot of things she wanted, needed, or couldn't be. It felt like that was all taken away by that goddamn stupid positioning on her part. Her hand lightly hit her forehead in frustration of it all.

Shepard pushed up from her crouched position, telling herself that she was ready to move forward and to not slip back into her old ways. She unlocked the restroom to find a few ticked off Cerberus crew waiting for her to get out. They straightened up however when they realized it was her holding up the restroom. Shepard didn't care, she lightly limped passed them with the IV stand in hand back to the med-bay. Back to where she could hopefully sleep the pain and cravings off.


	4. Rehabilitation

Shepard was not where she wanted to be; the slight shaking and small fevers were persistent throughout her sleep. She wanted to fight waking up, ignore the withdrawal symptoms, and just let herself rest for once.

Her eyes finally flickered open when she realized she wasn't going to get what she wanted. This time she wasn't the only the patient taking up the med-bay. Garrus sat at the edge of the bed to the left of her; his bandages were off exposing the twists of cybernetics and unhealed plates of his face.

He wasn't kidding when he said his face was barely being held together. Shepard let out a little whistle just over being impressed that he'd been walking around like that.

His unharmed mandible flicked out in the surprise of her waking.

 _Could that be considered offensive in turian cultures?_

"Sorry," Shepard said while wiping the sweat from her brow. "I just wasn't expecting your face to be as messed up as it is."

 _Smooth. Great recovery._

"Thanks, I think?" His voice was a bit quieter than usual; it probably hurt to talk without the bandages.

"Your welcome," she quipped as she struggled to rise from the bed. She lightly grunted as she sat up and held her knees to keep herself upright.

While trying to get past her dumb remarks, she kept talking and rambling. "We're going to be heading to Tuchanka soon so maybe you'll get some use out of those scars? Lots of Krogan women." She wiggled her eyebrows up and down with a large smirk on her face.

She got a small laugh from that one. She continued, as she was feeling more normal and glad that he was here.

"So when are you going to you know slap some face paint on there anyway?" She pointed to her face and mimicked the path of his markings.

"First off the markings aren't paint; they are a tattoo. So I'm going to have to wait until the scars heal," Garrus said in a matter-of-fact tone.

"Yeah good idea, it hurts like a bitch if you tattoo over a wound," Shepard said as she rubbed her left shoulder.

"You would know? Actually I shouldn't be surprised that you would."

Shepard smirked; he had probably seen the tattoo on her shoulder back on the old _Normandy_. Although the red had faded to orange then and had been poorly done since its creation. She was glad that didn't survive the rebuild as well.

"Yeah, back when I was still with the Reds. On one of my first…" She paused, wanting to phrase it right.

It was weird to think of the two different lives they had come from. She was an orphan and former criminal and him an "officer's son" as he put it and former C-Sec himself.

Weirder then the whole interspecies relationship? Probably not but still, Shepard thought it was a little funny. Especially funny as she considered all the second-hand xenophobia she grew up around.

"…missions," she finished.

"Uh huh." He said in joking disapproval.

"Anyway, I got stabbed in my left shoulder, I guess the idiot was aiming for my heart? It doesn't matter; I got away and the Reds wanted to get me a tattoo as a sort of gift of taking one for the gang. I thought it would be so badass to get it over where I was stabbed. But I didn't wait for it to heal…and yeah. Where was I going with this? Or right, that's why you need to wait, or it's going to hurt like a bitch."

Fuck, she was blabbering; this is why she didn't like talking about her time with the Reds. It made her sound idiotic.

"Your childhood sounds so charming," he said with a chuckle.

"It was what it was," Shepard shrugged, cursing herself as her shoulders ached from the movement.

"You alright? How are you feeling anyway?" Garrus asked as he turned fully to look over at her.

"Wonderful, that's why I'm still here and strapped to all this shit." Her hands motioned over the great amount of tubing and cuffs that encompassed her.

"Yeah, it definitely not fun being stuck in here, or waking up in here for that matter."

She wanted to make a bad attempt at flirting, _where would be a fun place to wake up from then?_ But the thought of what that must have been like for him, to wake up there, to have that same looming ceiling over his head, after Omega, stopped her.

Chakwas had kicked her out of the med-bay during his surgery and activated the blinders to keep Shepard from bothering her. She stalked over the whole _Normandy_ until she had bothered every crew trying to be productive. She left, unattended to Omega. Where she could walk and walk until the surgery was done.

She had thought about going back to his now cleared base, to help with those ten carefully covered bodies. She didn't though. Wouldn't that be something he would want to see to that? Because he would once he woke up. Because he was going to make it, she had to keep telling herself that then.

"Shepard?" Garrus concern snapped her out of her thoughts.

"Sorry, yeah no fun at all. Hopefully, I'll walk out of here better than you did."

"Well, I was up and out of here in no time. So I got that over you. You sure you're not just getting lazy?" The concern was now gone in his voice and he was back to jokily self-assured manner. He was out of the med-bay within two days and there she was on day two still strapped to the metal slab and only allowed to walk for 10 minutes intervals at a time.

"I'm just using this as a chance to get my beauty rest." She smiled again as she flaunted her hands around her scarred face. "You could use some of that yourself Vakarian."

Chakwas interrupted them, laying down a plethora of medical supplies on the tray next Garrus. At least she was going to allow her to watch this procedure, not that Chakwas had a choice. The doctor checked the healing process of his scars, scrapping at the areas that had healed over too quickly.

The wound traveled down his neck. He wore an odd shirt to allow Chakwas to get to the entire wound. It was the first time she had seen him in well anything that wasn't the clunky banged up armor. Hopefully, it wouldn't be the last. She smiled and felt her face heat up at the thought. She really shouldn't having been using a medical procedure as a chance to check him out.

He caught her watching only to cause her face to heat up even more. God, she really hoped he didn't know what blushing was. His left mandible flared into that cocky grin that she was beginning to recognize and loved seeing.

After Chakwas had finished bandaging Garrus, Shepard called out to her. "Can I please eat? I haven't had anything for a while, and I'm getting real tired of this drip stuff," Shepard said while pointing to her IV.

Even with the constant nausea Shepard was starving. But she couldn't hold anything solid down. She hated these withdrawal symptoms or whatever they were, they lasted much longer than the Red Sand's even did.

"Only liquids for now Commander," Chakwas said sternly.

"Oh come on, please." She dipped her voice to a soft sweetness, trying to add to the pleading.

"No."

"How about coffee?" She jokily battered her eyes at the doctor.

"Fine," Chakwas sighed as she watched Shepard carefully.

Shepard began to quickly and eagerly stripped off the cuff and move out of the bed. The eagerness was stopped short as the stabbing pain in her back and legs.

"Damn, never mind." She growled under her breath and slumped back into bed.

"What was that? Reminds me of something you said early. 'Whiny baby' as you put it?" Garrus quoted at her.

Shepard glared at him, dropping her head to hide her smirk to not give him more encouragement with the mocking. She liked it better that way, it was easier to play off and joke without the constant worrying or watching.

"Shut up, be useful and go get me some coffee from Gardener," she jokingly sneered while she weakly tossed her arm in his direction.

He narrowed his eyes and returned her glare.

"Please," she caved.

Garrus flicked his good mandible at her; in a way that she thinks is the Turian equivalent of a smile. "Definitely."

"Thank you," she said with a beaming smile as he left the med-bay.

* * *

Over the week of her recovery, Shepard was trapped in the med-bay under Chakwas' watch.

The crew came and visited her to check to see how she was doing. She lied, saying she was fine as it was easier then trying to explain that she wanted nothing more than to get her hands on some Red Sand or Minagen, even if it was deadly. Luckily they left Illium, even if she couldn't be useful they could continue to scan for minerals.

Out of all of her visitors, Garrus stopped by the most. It helped keep her sane and her thoughts away from Red Sand. It became a little routine that she looked forward to throughout the day. Eating their meals together as Chakwas check on them both over. With Chakwas, it was like having a supervisor, which made it easier to talk as friends without the awkwardness on talking about blowing off steam or research.

Although Shepard missed the talks, which made him stick his foot in his mouth. She was definitely never going to let him off the hook for the "popping the heatsink." Watching him squirm when she slipped the phrase into conversation nearly had her on the floor in laughter.

The time had finally come, she was more or less physically healed; her muscles back to normal from the new microfiber weave upgrades that Chakwas insisted on. She didn't want to think of all the scanning for palladium she was going to have to do to make up for that. She was freshly showered and had just finished her coffee and breakfast with Garrus.

"Commander I still need to do one more test on your upgrades before I can clear you for duty," Chakwas said.

"I'm fine, I could get up right now and do a little dance for you two." Shepard kicked her feet out and jumped off the bed with no stabbing pains.

Garrus coughed and interjected at her statement as he finished his meal.

"That's not going to help your point; dancing and driving were never your strongest skills."

Shepard turned to him as she stuck the landing and tried to stare daggers at him. "I'll have you know I have been dancing and driving since I was a child, and I have always been a marvelous driver." She left out dancing as one of her marvelous talents as movement and rhythm seem to elude her throughout her life. Even her brother said she had two left feet.

"Explain the Mako then," Garrus said almost as if he was waiting to throw her poor handling of the vehicle back at her.

Shepard grinned and shrugged. "Well, I had to give you something to do back on the SR-1."

"You think you're so funny."

"I am funny." She retorted back.

"Amusing maybe, but funny? Nah," Garrus said without missing a beat.

A small, purposeful cough came from Chakwas. They both directed their attention to the doctor.

"May I continue?" She stated with a frown.

"Yes, sorry," Shepard said and smirked back at Garrus. "Don't think this argument is over Vakarian."

Garrus ducked out. "Of course not. You two talk should talk this over on your own. I'll be in the main battery if you need me."

Shepard called out as he began to walk out the med-bay. "Have fun with your calibrations," and turned back to Chakwas.

She tried to look annoyed at Shepard, but a small grin escaped from the stern frown.

"What?" Shepard asked.

"Oh nothing," Chakwas sighed and continued with her check up. "Now back to what I was saying…"

The constant fevers and urges to vomit had subsisted for Shepard. The shaking in her hands, however, was still very present. But Shepard kept herself steady when watched by Chakwas. Her hands remained stiff and clenched to her side as Chakwas scanned her upgrades for the last, with what seemed like hundredth times.

Chakwas looked her over, focusing on the scars that deeply lined her face.

"I know, I know," Shepard said trying to avoid the lecture. "I need get rid of that aggression and get a positive outlook to keep my face together." She rolled her eyes as she spoke but was careful to remain less animated as she usually talked with her hands. Bringing attention to them wouldn't help.

"Don't worry once I get back out in the field I'll be having plenty of that nice cheery attitude," Shepard said with her hands tied behind her back. She smirked at the doctor and cocked hip out almost to say _see, positive attitude._

"I wouldn't expect anything less," Chakwas said as she played along. "Of course we can always get that dermal regeneration equipment. It can also be set to be used for Dextro DNA so Garrus could use it as well."

"Not until after we get to Tuchanka, I still need to see those scars of his in action."

Chakwas gave her a stern look.

"Okay fine, I'll talk it over with him. Although I think with the cost of that equipment he'd rather just get a second Thanix Cannon."

"And in the meantime what are you going to do about your scars?" Chakwas said as she questioned Shepard like a teacher.

"Until then I'll just have to keep at it with the shiny outlooks and what not. You know I did pick up a bottle of Serrice Ice Brandy, I'll bring it over some time and we can have a drink. That could sure help."

"You still haven't been cleared yet and already getting ready to drink?" Chakwas smiled and she waved the omni-tool over Shepard.

"You know after I get some actually work done and you've had enough time away from me after being such a hellish patient," Shepard said with a grin.

"Well, I sure have endured over these past week," her omni-tool pinged with the resulting scans of her upgrades. "Alright, everything seems to be in order. You are cleared to go."

Without another word Shepard quickly made her way towards the med-bay doors, she didn't need give the doctor more reason to keep her there. The appearance of EDI's blue orb stopped her in her tracks.

"Shepard, The Illusive Man wishes to speak with you in the briefing room."

Shepard sighed, barely cleared for duty and he already wanted to bug her.

"Tell him I'll be there in shortly, I still need to check up on the rest of the crew, let them know I'm not trapped in the med-bay." Shepard turned back to Chakwas and was met with a look of concern.

"Already back to the grind," Shepard winked at Chakwas as she walked out of the med-bay, ignoring the concerned doctor and feeling almost like her old self.

"Be careful Commander, I don't want you back in here!"

"Yeah, yeah. Not without the drinks at least right?" Shepard waved behind her as she strolled out.


	5. Dependent

Turian distress call her ass.

Collectors and husks continued to pour into the cavern of the ship. In a futile action to get her anger out Shepard slammed her fist into the rocks next to her. The shakes were still coming back, but less frequent. Chakwas was reluctant to clear her, but she needed and wanted to get back out into the fight. But now that she was here, it was a mistake; she could cost Garrus and Jack's lives if she couldn't pull her shit together.

She was hunkered down at a vantage point that gave her clear view of the base, separated from Garrus and Jack. They were below her again; Jack was making sure to keep off any husk that made it way towards him as he concentrated on the drones. Sounds of shockwaves and shots filled the cavern below as she continue to time her shots in-between the shaking.

Shepard wasn't so lucky to have that assisted as a husk began to beat down on her helmet causing her to miss her shot. She swung the butt of her Mantis into its face as a returned gesture. She continued to beat it senseless until it stopped moving.

Of course her first time back in the field and it's a fucking trap and she could barely handle it. Shepard was pissed; she wanted to get off this damn ship and tear The Illusive Man a new one.

She still wasn't well and with getting jerked around by Cerberus and working without Red Sand or Minagen X3 only made the anger grow. She felt powerless and weak. The calling for the Red Sand to crawl into her arms and slither throughout her body had become constant. Her barriers fell spastically; she couldn't concentrate and hold them.

Shepard got back into cover and began to line up her sights. The shaking in her hands caused her to miss her first shot, she cursed and loaded a new thermal clip. Her breath was quick and shallow as scanned the battlefield to give her time to steady the shaking. The drones were being ripped apart by Garrus' bullets and Jack's biotics.

The collectors and husk finally began to thin out; Shepard used this time to check in. "How are you both holding up?"

"We'd be doing a lot better if you weren't sitting on your ass up there," Jack yelled into the comms with almost glee.

Shepard grimaced. They were really working overtime to cover her slack. "Laugh it up Jack. We have a clearing, let's get to the entrance and it a straight shot back to the _Normandy_." She needed to get out of there; The Illusive Man was going to pay once they got back. But she knew she was truly angered at herself, he was just going to be an outlet.

Her angering thoughts were interrupted by an echoing screech filled the cavern.

"Crap, Praetorian," Garrus called out over the comms.

"You got to be kidding me, alright let's get those barriers down!" Shepard yelled.

The flying monstrous collector with dozens of husk heads worked its way in, focusing on her. Shepard shook, out of all the collectors they had come across that thing had given her the creeps.

Its beam began to power up. All the former human heads were still groaning and moving as if they were fighting to be alive. Its beam whirled passed Shepard; she ducked down in time and realigned her shot once it began to recharge its barriers. She took the shot, but it hardly put a dent into it.

She ducked down again as another beam flew over her.

"Alright screw this!" Shepard yelled over the comms. "Everyone stay clear of that thing! I've got an idea."

Shepard unhooked the new weapon that was conjured up in Mordin's lab. The M-920 Cain. She only had one shot at this, and if she messed this up, she could put the others in danger.

Shepard steadied her hands. The weapon began clicking and flashed red as it geared up. The Praetorian slowly moved towards her up the cavern's ramp, its eyes glowed; another beam would be coming soon.

Her heart pounded heavily in her chest, the pain and the shaking began to subside. The Cain became lighter in her arms as she steadied herself. That beam was close; she was going to need to hurry.

"Don't fuck up, Shepard," she whispered to herself as she let the explosive round hurdle towards the giant. Everything became so clear at that moment as the beam nearly hit her. The heat and electricity passed through her barriers, breaking them down, but she didn't care. She couldn't feel it. The slug made contact, disintegrating the monstrosity with a beautiful explosion of red fire and smoke. She felt alive.

The appreciation of her work didn't last long as the shockwave knocked her back.

 _Way to listen to your own instructions._

A few cheers and excitement came from Garrus and Jack. When Shepard didn't respond, Garrus voice crackled over her comms, almost sound a little bit frantic. "Shepard, you alright?"

"I'm fine, I just fell on my ass," Shepard groaned as she picked up the Cain and slung it over her back. The Cain was burning hot as it let off steam, she could almost feel it through her armor. She injected her final medi-gel into her suits port as the pain worked its way through her body again. Chakwas was not going to be happy with her.

"You have a real skill for that don't you?" Garrus said in much more relaxed and calm voice.

"You sure you didn't just pass out again lightweight?" Jack added to the make fun of Shepard-fest.

"Screw you both," she growled. Her heart was still racing and anger in her began to rise. Shepard angrily scanned the field again from her vantage point. They had a clearing as no husk or collectors were left standing in the cavern. "Alright let's get out of here and back to the _Normandy_ , double time!"

Shepard saw red; the anger pushed her as she stormed back to the _Normandy_ with Garrus and Jack in tow.


	6. Care

Shepard was back in her cabin after the verbal lashing she gave The Illusive Man. She paced back and forth between her bed and the door. She fucking knew it that he would find some way to screw her over. He always had the perfect excuses as for the need for his deception.

She stopped pacing at her desk and angrily yanked open the drawer. She fished out the pack of cigarettes that she gotten back on Omega. If she couldn't have Red Sand, she would just have to go a lighter alternative. She was falling back into old vices, the one's she had promised herself that she'd kick before joining the Alliance. Did it matter now anyway? She wasn't a part of the Alliance anymore; she lost that so why should it matter? She set the cigarette aflame, focusing on the red glow.

EDI's orb appeared near her desk before she could inhale.

"Shepard, smoking is discouraged while on the ship. I would recommend that you prohibit from smoking any further."

"With Zaeed on board I'm pretty sure one more cigarette wouldn't hurt." Shepard paused and took a long drag.

"I've had advised Mr. Massani similarly as I have for you Shepard."

She blew smoke towards the blue orb as she spoke. "I'm sure he loved that. Thanks for the suggestion EDI but I'm just going to continue from here. Logging you out." The blue orb disintegrated around the smoke that still hung in the air.

Annoyingly, Shepard scanned her cabin; it was the only place she felt comfortable on the _Normandy_ after Mordin had searched for bugs. Even with the comfort she barely in there other than to sleep and shower.

She focused on the model ship case; only the SR-2 model had been built and stood proudly gleaming in the case. She liked to think of it as a little joke to herself with the other unopened boxes skewed all over her desk and coffee table that she hardly used.

Her eyes glazed past the empty hamster cage; the little guy had escaped, and hopefully he was doing well by living off the food and water bowls she had scattered around the cabin.

 _Fuck._

Shepard whipped around from the desk to the tank of dead fish floating on the top of the murky water. She was too pissed to notice it when she first came in.

Shepard finished her cigarette and began a new one as she climbed up on the tank. She was annoyed with herself at the fact that she couldn't even keep damn fish alive.

All her energy was put into cleaning out that fish tank to ignore the thoughts of her screw-ups, the cravings, to hopefully not spiral out of control. She must have been scrubbing that dirty, empty tank out for a while; she didn't take notice to the chime at her door until EDI told her of the guest.

"It's open!" She yelled as she snuffed out her cigarette and waved the smoke from her face. Fuck, she must've smelled awful.

Garrus walked in as she climbed down from the stepping stool. Her face twitched into a smile, trying to remain levelheaded.

"Garrus! You just missed the burial." She yelled out, trying to sound chipper. She wiped the tank scum off on her pants and walked over to the couch and sat. She threw a few of the clothes she had around that she never gotten around to cleaning up and motioned for him to join her.

He crossed the room quickly. Her eyes darted over to her desk and she silently sighed with relief. Good thing she remembered to hide the Fornax: Turian Edition datapad in the drawer.

"Burial?" He asked as he sat down.

"Yeah, I flushed all my poor fish down the toilet, gave them an honorable send-off." She gave a little salute to the fallen little guys.

"You humans have a fascinating way of treating your pets."

"Hey, at least I'm not like the weird ones who stuff their animals and just keep their bodies hanging around in the living room," Shepard said with a shrug.

"Right…" his voice trailed off as he spoke.

"Anyway, I'm going to guess you didn't come up here to talk about human pet burial rituals did you?" She knew what he was going to ask if she was fine. Maybe about how she's been acting on the field? How she can't seem to handle herself? She should have just told him to go. That she could talk about later when she had calmed down.

"Uh yeah, after the collector ship you kind of stormed out once we got back. I just wanted to make sure if you were doing okay." He looked down at her with the same look of concern he gave he back on Illium.

She wanted to wave it off like she normally did. Maybe it was the anger she still had for herself or the whole situation but this time she didn't.

"Oh, sure I'm completely fine you know with the whole being fucked over by The Illusive Man and the fun times of being a complete mess in the med-bay." She paused and considered talking about the Minagen and the constant urges to use, but stopped; she didn't want to get into that.

Instead, she continued to unload on him. "And once I finally get back out there I almost couldn't fucking handle it? So of course I'm not fine and asking about it isn't going to help," she threw up her arms in frustration as she directed her anger at him.

His mandibles tightened against his jaw and looked away from her. She may not have been so great at reading turians, but that was definitely a look of hurt. He was just trying to make sure she was okay, and she had to go and snap at him. She was acting like an idiot and a shitty friend. She was going to end up screwing up this relationship before it barely even started.

"Shit, sorry. I'm being an asshole," she blurted out as she buried her face in her hands, trying to hide the embarrassment; she should have waved it off.

His hand fell onto the small of her back, almost like a comforting pat. But it still surprised her. Other then helping each other up from falling on their asses there hadn't been much touching between them. The warmth of his hand on her back sent a course of shivers down her spine.

Garrus leaned in and whispered. "When aren't you?"

She laughed hard, snorted even. She didn't know what to expect for him to say. But somehow that was just right. Not letting her get away with her bullshit apology.

He continued and spoke in a low voice. "You need someone to yell at or yell with? I'm here for you just as you have been for me, walking into hell with you and all, remember? So yeah, I'm going to continue to make sure you're fine even if you don't like it."

Fuck, now she was a self-absorbed asshole too. He let Sidonis go because of her, got in his way even so he couldn't take the shot. He never acted like that towards her. Well, he may have been pissed, but he never directed his anger at her after that night on the Citadel.

Shepard contorted her face into a smile and then a grimace. "Yeah, okay let me start over," Shepard sighed as she nervously twisted her hands together.

"You're right, I'm not fine, this past week has been hell for me." Shepard paused as she began to chew on the sides of her cheek. "I don't really want to get into it as to why, but thank you. For everything, not just for checking up on me, but for keeping me sane through all this. And again I am really sorry for yelling at you."

"Don't worry about it," Shepard smiled widely at him as the anger and frustration began to disappear. "But that does bring up the question, I was right then? Well, I knew that but I just need to make sure you're aware of it," he said facetiously.

She groaned as she buried her face in her hands again, this time trying to hide the smile to keep from encouraging him. The smoke had seeped into her hands and had left a stench there that felt permanent. His own hand began to run small circles into her back, her breath caught in her throat. Her hands fell from her face as she turned to him. Only for her heart to begin to race at the way he looked at her.

Why wasn't he acting like the adorable dork like he did in the main battery? That at least would have made it easier for her. He was being understanding and she ended up using him as a punching bag. Shit, she really was horrible at relationships.

Her heart continued to flutter as she panicked and didn't know what to say. She just knew if he kept looking at her like that she was going to end up jumping him.

"God, I smell like smoke and dead fish, attractive right?" Shepard said in a frantic tone trying to keep herself from doing something impulsive.

 _Smooth Shepard._

"Very," he said dryly.

"Just give me a minute, let me try to wash this smell out." His hand fell from her back as she got up and rushed to the bathroom.

She began to scrub quickly at her hands and face, trying to get the smell out. But the smoke clung to her hair. She threw her hair back in a messy bun. She had no clue what she was doing; she wasn't use to the long hair.

She stared up into the mirror; she wasn't use to a lot of things about herself since Cerberus brought her back. Her skin was a lot paler as she lost her freckles and suntan skin to the rebuild. Her scars were running deeper than before she had woken up. Her eyes glowed lightly red, almost looking like they did when she was on Red Sand as a kid.

But they weren't her eyes. They were artificial, fake. Her real eyes must have burned out her skull when she fell towards Alchera. She winced; she didn't want to think about that. Fuck, she really did look creepy.

But Garrus didn't seem to care; well he didn't have standards when it came to human looks just as she didn't for turians. Still, it felt nice knowing that she didn't have to worry about that though, about the scars. She guessed he didn't have to either.

She was nervous about how their relationship was going to move forward. He was up here, in her cabin, alone. She didn't want to fuck this up. Shepard sighed and scrubbed the remaining smoke that she could from her hands and walked out into the cabin.

"You still haven't done any of these?" He said as he motioned his hand to the pile of model ship boxes.

"When have I ever had time to do them?" She thanked him silently for changing the subject.

"I'm just saying I had to lug all these from the Citadel back to the _Normandy_ , I would think you would actually use them."

"Whiny baby," she said as she picked up the SSV _Normandy_ box from the top of the pile.

"Better then 'bellyaching' though?" He looked back up at her and kept talking. "And what do you mean you don't have time? You're always walking around the _Normandy_ and bothering others when they're actually trying to get work done. So maybe you should do something, you know productive."

"Shut up," she quipped as she examined the model's box in hand and smirked down at him. "Alright fine, you don't need to go run off and calibrate or whatever it is you do?"

"I wouldn't say what I do is 'or whatever' as you put it." The jackass only used one finger on each hand to quote back at her. Shepard let out a small laugh. She wanted to hit and hug him for that.

"Fine, I'll dismiss that claim. You, Garrus Vakarian, do more than 'whatever' around the _Normandy_ ," she said quoting right back at him. She sat down next to him, finally feeling both comfortable and relaxed in her room. She raised the box up to face him and spoke with a smile. "Well, are you going to help me with this or what?"

His good mandible flared out into the smile that she had always enjoyed seeing. "Of course."

They cleared the coffee table and laid out the datapad with instructions to the model. Building the model was a lot harder then Shepard would have thought. The SR-2 wasn't nearly this difficult. She expected Garrus to struggle more than her, with well the amount of fingers she had over him. But he took to it like a natural; He already had his pieces assemble for the dry run. It was just one more thing that he could boast about.

"You know Chakwas has been bothering me about getting that dermal regenerator equipment," Shepard said as she struggled to assemble her pieces for before adding glue.

"So why haven't you gotten it yet?" he asked as he looked over the instructions.

"Because it's expensive as hell!" She threw her arms as she spoke, letting the pieces fall on the table. "I could get you like 3.3 thanix cannons with the price of that thing!"

"What am I going to do with a third of a gun?"

Shepard shrugged, "I don't know, work that calibrating magic."

"I'm starting to think you don't know what that means," he said sarcastically.

"Okay fine whatever, but really what do you think? Chakwas said it could work with you too."

Shepard wasn't expected the pause. She looked back up at him. He had a look of somber, of possible consideration.

She couldn't even think to guess what he was thinking. Her scars were just a constant reminder of how she was feeling, angry. She wouldn't have thought twice about getting rid of them if the procedure weren't so expensive. For Garrus, she guessed that was not the case. He couldn't just get rid of the scars; they were a part of him, of what he had left of Omega and of his men.

He shook his head and tried to joke. "We'll have to wait until after we get to Tuchanka."

Shepard went along with the joking, it easier easy that way. "Yeah you're right, got to give Wrex some competition." His mandibles flared into a slight grin.

"What about yourself?" he asked.

She could feel the slight tremor in her wrist and hands again. Her hands clenched at her side to avoid gesturing, hoping he wouldn't take notice.

"I'll keep them for now. I'm thinking if these scars keep growing I could just replace him." He gave her an odd amused look. "What? You don't think I can?" She asked boastfully.

"The exact opposite, which is what worries me," he said with a laugh.

"Hey, after all this Collector and Reaper nonsense, trying to stronghold the Krogan and taking over Tuchanka might be fun." Shepard turned her attention back to the model, trying to keep her fingers in line.

"I don't know what your definition of 'fun' is but I think I'll go for something more tropical," Garrus said as got back to his own pieces of the model. Damn, he was almost done with his side.

"Sounds like a nice retirement plan." She mused as she struggled to hold her pieces together. She stared back at the instruction to figure out what the hell she was doing wrong.

"Just got to survive this suicide mission you've got us crusading on. Then deal with the Reapers, and then probably whatever comes next. Not that I'm complaining."

"Of course you're not," she said as she slightly rolled her eyes. "What we're going do is get Tali, save some lives, and kick some ass. You know just like old times."

"Yeah, well first we're going to have to complete this." His hands motioned at her part of the model while speaking. "If you could even finish your side."

"You know, I could just have you haul all these back to the Citadel from the farthest docking bay I can find," Shepard said while trying to hide her smirk. "And I'll make sure you get me some new fish too."

"You're still not funny," he said as narrowed his eyes are her.

"Amusing at least?" She asked as she looked back up at him with her smirk. He smiled back that sent a bit jolt into her.

"Definitely."

As they kept working Shepard's hands continued shake. She didn't want to deal with this now when things were going nicely. She stiffened her hands causing her to drop one of the pieces of the model. With a curse and sigh, she slumped back into the couch to steady herself. Why did she have to keep fucking everything up?

Garrus picked up the piece on the floor and tossed back on the table as he slouched back with her. He looked at her with that same look of concern he'd been giving her since the beginning of this whole ordeal. She expected the same questions, are you okay? The kind of question she just wanted to avoid. She didn't want to have to explain.

Instead, he took her hand nearest to him. He had taken his gloves off to work with the model. His hands were rough against hers. Comparing the two, they looked so odd and out of place, but she didn't care. The heat that radiated off him and on to her brought comfort to her.

They laughed as they awkwardly maneuvered the two alien hands together. It took them a bit to find a comfortable place as their fingers interlaced. After a few moments, the shaking eased off. Her hand tightened around his. With a smile, she whispered "thank you" and continued on assembling their old ship.

Shepard wasn't going to lie to herself thinking that it was all going to be fine now, that the urges for Red Sand or Minagen would be gone. The craving for the drugs was still present. But the joking and reassurance dulled the need for it. With Garrus by her side, whether it was walking through hell or up in her cabin, Shepard was exactly where she wanted to be.

* * *

 **Author's Note:** Alright that's the end of the story! Thank you all for reading this far, this is my first story that I've ever written so I really appreciate it! Please leave a review/criticism to help me become a better writer! :)


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